Gifts From God, Changes & Healing.
Time goes on…
As I leave my previous relationship, I still reflect on the things that happened and everything that even happens now. After alleviating the blindness to the crap people do to me, it dawns on me that I am simply too nice. I’m too trusting. I see too much of the good in people. Sometimes I see so much niceness in people, their bullcrap often blows right over my head. My sister says it's a gift from God and that I need to learn to cap it a little. Limit it to prevent people from stepping all over me. And she’s right.
I’ve let people walk over me all my life. In relationships, in family… everywhere I go I give people the ammunition to shoot me in the foot over and over again.
So I’ve made a promise to myself, to stay focused on the now, and the me that I am right now. I’ve made a promise to talk to God more and better evaluate my actions and who I am.
Not too long ago, in a letter I wrote on this platform saying “I hope to become more than my fear of social rejection and use my state of solitude to seek peace + healing from the captivity of my past and be a better human being, a girl who has more focus on her self-reflection, identification, understanding, and evaluation.”
This is the goal I am focused on. This is the goal I am working on. And the goal I'm willing to score.
I do think that I am more than hard on myself though. I expect myself to change overnight and when I wake up hating myself again, I beat myself down to a pulp. Bad habits they call it. I’m trying to break out of it.
I don't want to be desperate for love all the time.
I want to make a greater effort to love and value myself more. I want to make a greater effort to create better for myself and do better with myself. Even though I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m trying to make a difference and grow where I’m planted.
Apart from my goals and the stuff that’s happened in the past couple of weeks, I’ve been adjusting to a lot of changes mentally: for instance, over the time I was gone from this platform, I found myself feeling isolated. but not voluntarily. I felt alone and on my own. like I was the only girl in this world and I was the last person the universe wanted to annihilate… or shatter to pieces. Physically, I've found myself letting go… and instead of going back to my eating disorder days, I find myself eating more than I should. Binge eating is the word I’m looking for.
I’m trying to deal with it. God knows I'm trying.
Recently, I was talking to a friend and she said something that made me think: People say they're proud of me… I’m literally trying not to die.
And that hit hard for me. I’m trying not to collapse and tell myself that everything will be alright and that my tears will evaporate if I just breathe and try to navigate stuff better.
So yes, from here on out, my goal is to become more than my fear of social rejection and use my state of solitude to seek peace. My goal is to heal from the captivity of my past and be a better human being. Be a girl who has more focus on her self-reflection, identification, understanding, and evaluation.
I’m tired of being a slave to the shit that’s happened to me. And to the shit that I’ve done. This is my time to stop being a stranger to myself. to my soul. It’s my time to change and make a difference.
It’s my time to indulge in my intuition. My intuition is saying that they’ll be better days. they are saying that my fears will be alleviated and my tears will evaporate. it's saying that as I grow stronger, my faith grows with me.
Love, Folake
